Memories Which I Ponder in My Heart

The Scriptures, when speaking of Mary, say “But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart”. After the Angel Gabriel came to her, Mary praised The Lord and rejoiced in her Savior but could not have understood all of God’s plans for her life and for her baby’s life. After Jesus’ birth, the shepherds in the field came to her with words spoken to them by The Angel of The Lord. St. Luke says that all who heard, wondered at these things, and Mary pondered them in her heart.

One event in my life, which I have pondered in my heart, is the birth and death of my baby, Carrie Marlene. Exactly 30 years ago, she was in Nassau Medical Center. I had just been discharged from Central General Hospital in Plainview after having had a Caesarian Section in an emergency delivery. Richie was traveling between both hospitals and keeping me updated as to Carrie’s condition.

Carrie was born on September 25, 1980. It was the day of our 16th wedding anniversary. She only lived for two weeks. She died on October 8, 1980.

It is hard for me to recall and write about that time in my life. God has brought me so very far in my faith walk. I know that He will give me the grace and strength to talk about the things which I have been pondering in my heart. I don’t know if my story can help someone else but I feel the call to share some of my most inner memories and feelings.

When my first daughter, Elisa Lynn, died one month after her ninth birthday in 1979, I told The Lord that I wanted another child. This was the immediate desire of my heart for myself, and for Richie, and especially for Erica. God heard my cry but brought me through many more trials before answering that prayer.


God wanted to grow my faith and show me so many things. It was during this time that the words in the Bible came alive to me. I knew that God was talking to me and bringing me into a place of peace and understanding which I had never entered before. My pain was so intense that no physical person could comfort me. I thanked The Lord every day for my daughter, Erica Gayle. She gave me reason to keep going, even though at times, I was only going through the motions of daily living. I had to keep functioning for her. Richie went into a hopeless, reclusive, angry, depression. We needed him but he could not help us because he was hurting so much himself. It is during times like this that one’s marriage can be strained to a breaking point. God gave me the strength, insight, love, and forgiveness to keep on persevering into the future. It had to be a supernatural strength! Erica had to be cared for, our lawn business had to be run, my parents had to be comforted, and life had to go on.

I did become pregnant within a few months of Elisa’s death but miscarried within the first trimester. After a trip to the hospital for a D&C, and waiting the required time afterward, I became pregnant again. I had an amniocentesis. Our baby was a girl and she was due early in September. We named her Carrie after a very special person in our lives, Richie’s Aunt Carrie. Carrie would not replace our Elisa, but she would give our family new hope for the future. I knew that Elisa was with The Lord and that she had been given to us, to enrich our lives, for nine short years. My faith would not have been where it is today if I had never known her.

On September 24th, I was 3 weeks past my due date. I had been going to the doctor daily. No signs of labor. I was 38 years old and at risk because of my age and history. Needless to say, I was getting very anxious. The doctor wanted to wait a little longer, but I came packed for the hospital and insisted on my admission. My dear friend Bobby was with Richie and me. I was admitted, attached to a fetal monitor, and was started on a pitocin drip to induce labor. I was given medication for anxiety. Richie went home, and Bobby stayed at my side. Bobby and I are both registered nurses. Bobby’s expertise is in the field of Lamaze, and labor and delivery, as coach and instructor. She was not only at my side now; she never left me physically or emotionally during my present suffering. I will be forever grateful to God for giving me such a special friend.

I will not go into the specific details of Carrie’s birth. When the doctor finally broke my water, he said, “pea soup”. The amniotic fluid is supposed to be clear. This indicated that the baby’s first meconiam stool had been passed into the fluid. Carrie was post mature in utero and should have already been born. I will never know why I didn’t go into labor in time, or why the doctor whom I trusted treated my situation so lightly, or why he waited a few hours before doing an emergency section. These are questions which will never have any answers!

When I think of Carrie, I remember calling out loud to Jesus in the delivery room. I heard the doctors working on her, suctioning her, and then, I finally heard a faint cry coming from the area behind me where they all were. The next thing I remember is being on a stretcher, in the hall, outside the delivery room. Richie was at my side. Carrie was in a baby transporter incubator. We were wheeled near to each other and I have a clear memory of her eyes looking up and connecting to mine. I can see that moment again now. It was all horrible but I never doubted that God was aware of the situation. I kept on repeating Romans 8: 28 to myself and out loud. Bobby was still at our side. We all felt so helpless. Nothing we could do now would change what just happened in our lives

Carrie was transported to The Nassau Medical Center where she was fighting for her life. She had aspirated meconiam causing respiratory distress leading to failure of all of her systems. The doctors did everything to save her. I was so sure that she was going to survive but late one night we were awakened by a call from the hospital informing us that nothing else could be done and Carrie was dying. She died on October 8th.

Where was God? How could this be happening again? Are non-believers right? I stayed in this confused place for a short while. It is a place where I had never been before. I have never been so lonely. What is life all about? Am I in charge of my own destiny? Is there not a plan for my life? or a God who understands the pain which I am feeling? Pastor Mech told me, “The God who was there for you before, will be there for you again”. I read my bible for answers; answers which I could not find from any other source or person. God spoke to me through Job and the Gospels. He told me that Job was His most beloved servant. If God allowed so very much suffering into Job’s life, I realized that God loved me too, knew my pain, and would see me through. In 2Corinthians He told me that He would be able to use me to help others who will experience even greater suffering than I was going through. I read, I listened, and I believed. God was always with me. He never did leave me. As related in the poem, “Footprints in The Sand”, God would carry me through my time of suffering and trials. I knew that He was real and He took away my loneliness. I knew, because I knew, because I knew. I never have to be in that place of doubt again.

I continued to pray for another child, but my body had to recover from the Caesarian Section first. I had one more miscarriage before my prayer was answered. I was now under the care of a high risk OB-GYN specialist.

I was about 5 months pregnant. Early one morning, I had a dream. I dreamt that I was going to have a miscarriage. The sac came out, but it was empty, there wasn’t any baby in it. I knew that the pregnancy was over but I heard a baby crying in the distance. When I awoke, I miscarried. Richie brought me to the doctor. When the doctor examined the miscarried tissue we were told that the baby never did develop, the sac was empty. I knew that God prepared me in my dream and I knew that He was with me.

Now my prayer became, “Lord, if I am not to have another child, please take the desire away from my heart”. I put it in His hands. I would accept His will but He had to change my longing. I continued to think about my dream and the baby’s cry which I heard at that time.

God heard my plea and did not take away my heart's desire. On May 25, 1983 our fourth daughter, Christa Grace was born. Erica has a sister, and our lives became complete.

Thank you Lord, for Elisa and Carrie. They are with You and I will join all of you someday.

Thank you Lord, for Erica and Christa. They light up our lives. They are gifts from you. Richie and I thank you every day for them, their husbands, and our grandchildren.

Thank you Lord, for the gift of faith, and for growing my faith as I search for a closer walk with you. In my times of weakness and pain, you give me strength and peace. Use me and my testimony in the lives of others to your glory. I love You, Lord. Amen