Heidi's Faithwalk

Heidi’s Faithwalk written and shared with others in 2008

Adelheid B. Demmelhuber            
January 16, 1943 to February 14, 2009

The following is an account of my friend Heidi’s faithwalk and spiritual growth. Her self reflection and writing was done within the year prior to her passing from this life into eternity. During her five year physical battle, God brought Heidi into a deeper spiritual walk. He gave her a greater understanding of Himself and His word, a Spiritual healing. Her battle with cancer had ended. Her spirit was ready to meet The Lord.

I want to share her story because I also grew in my faith as I journeyed with her. Also, on this first anniversary of her death, I want to keep her faith alive in the lives of all who loved her. To pass on her faith was the reason she wrote her testimony. God will continue to use her faith and life in our lives and in the lives of all who read her Faithwalk.

Heidi fought hard and maintained a positive attitude throughout her diagnosis and treatment. She grew in her faith and spoke to God constantly. She believed for a physical healing and worried about her husband Frank and her many cats, all of whom were dependent upon her. She had purpose and reason to fight.

In February 2009, Heidi was admitted to Huntington Hospital because of pain, abdominal swelling, and shortness of breath. Heidi was my dear and special friend and my spiritual and prayer confidant. During the week of February 1st, I flew into New York from Florida to be with her and to help with her care, as her friend and as an Oncology Nurse.
I returned to Heidi’s hospital room early on Sunday morning, February 8, 2009. She had a nursing assistant with her during the night. She hadn’t slept much and was starting to experience, again, the symptoms which had caused her hospitalization. After she told me how she was feeling, we quietly and pensively contemplated the gravity of her situation. She trusted my honest evaluation of where she was and what lay ahead. She broke the silence saying, “Anna, I can’t fight anymore. I have made peace with God and I am ready to be with Him. Please help Frank to understand this. He has to give me permission to leave. He is not going to want to let me go. I can’t do this any more. Promise me that you will tell Frank, and my mother, and my sister that I love them.”
We both knew that the time for this decision had come. At that moment, Heidi gave herself permission to die, to let go of her physical body, and to let her spirit be with her Savior. She had a personal relationship, a friendship, with her Lord and now she would be going home to be with Him.

                My Faithwalk by Heidi (written in 2008)
As I think back about my faith over the years; I attended church on Sundays and I prayed daily. I prayed a general prayer which I thought covered it all. I prayed for my family and myself and I thanked God for the good things in life. I prayed for Him to teach me to be kinder toward others and to be less fault finding. I recognized my own short comings but those of others seemed always to be worse than mine. I will continue to work on this but I have to learn to let God help me. I know that God is good. I was contented and happy to be where I was in life.

In September 2004, total disaster struck. I was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. It is a deadly cancer that shows no symptoms until late stages when the survival rates are grim. I never asked Why me, God? But I did ask Why, God? Had I done something evil to deserve punishment? I could not even think clearly. I was in shock. All hope for my future plans were gone. My two neighbors, within a year of each other, had died from the same cancer. I knew that I would be number three.

Suddenly I was facing death NOW, not in the future when I was old as I had anticipated would happen. Only those who have heard the diagnosis of cancer can understand the fear that griped me. If this was God’s will I was not ready to accept it. What will happen to those I would leave behind? What would Frank do? Who would take care of my cats? These thoughts were almost worse than accepting my not surviving. I prayed to and begged God to hear my prayer for healing. I clung to Psalm 91 in which God promised that “He would shield me and be with me in my time of trouble. He would satisfy me with long life”. I searched my bible for healing scriptures which I could believe in and stand on. God spoke to me through His word. The Bible (the living word of God) became the resource for my search for answers and my search for a deeper walk with Him.

As a child, I was brought up to think that God was a punishing God. I had to be good and I had to please Him all the time in order for Him to be good to me. I know now that this is a religious works mentality, not a faith relationship with a living, loving God. I was brought up to be afraid of God, not to love Him. I have a very dear friend, Anna, who went through terrible tribulation. She taught me that God is our friend; a thought that I would never have dared to think.

About fourteen days after my diagnosis I was sitting in my room. I asked myself, and maybe God, “How will I die?”. I was overwhelmed with terror. For the first time in my life I asked The Holy Spirit to pray for me. I simply said, “Holy Spirit, pray for me because I have no more words to beg God with”. I had never understood the scripture which told me, “The Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groaning”. After lifting up that prayer, I read Psalm 66 and God spoke to my heart. After reading verses 16-20 God’s Spirit spoke to my spirit giving me the knowledge that He heard my prayer. He told me that He would not withdraw His unfailing love from me. I was sure that this meant that He was going to heal me. I had experienced God’s presence. The paralyzing fear which I had felt was gone and replaced by a sense of peace. I still had many dark days, fears, and tears, but never the overwhelming terror which I had experienced that day in my room. I knew, because I knew, because I knew, that God was with me and that I was going to be healed. I claimed God’s promise. My peace and my faith increased.

I went through chemo, an operation, more chemo, and then two timed blood tests indicated that the cancer was gone. I told myself, “God is good. He kept His promise to me.” I prayed Psalm 116. God heard me and I knew that He was with me. I am forever grateful. I felt well and continued to follow my medical plan. After a period of time, a third blood test, tumor marker, was done. It showed that the cancer was back. I was devastated. For two days, I could not pray! I kept saying over and over again, “but you promised me, you promised me”. I was angry with God. I said to Frank, “Maybe there is no God. Maybe it is just an illusion and we are praying to thin air”. He was just as disappointed as I was. But he remained firm in his faith and in his belief for my healing. Where was I to go? Am I in charge of my own destiny? Am I alone in my pain and agony? Was I not created by a creator who was with me? Those thoughts frightened me and made me even more lonely and confused. I could not imagine not having the comfort of a loving God to walk this road with me. I started talking to Him again. God, through the scriptures, became my comfort and my refuge. In Mark 11:24, Jesus said that if we pray, asking for something, believe that we already have received it and our Heavenly Father will give us what we ask for. In Mark 11:25 Jesus told me that when I prayed, I was to forgive others the wrongs they had done to me so that my Heavenly Father could forgive me my wrongs. As I read Jesus’ promises, I clung to them. I believed that Jesus lived, died, and arose from the dead. I was not physically there to witness these events but I believed that they happened. Why shouldn’t I believe in the promises which He gave to me in His Word? I continued to read and believe His promises. He told me to seek first His kingdom, and everything else I needed would be given to me (Matthew 6:33). My spirit was growing. God was my Lord and my friend. His Spirit within me was teaching me and giving me peace. I felt His presence and I was giving Him more and more control of my life.

Anna said, “God works in your spirit and He aligns your will with His”. I told the Lord, “I know that you created the sun, the moon, the universe, and each of us”. My unspoken thought was, but Lord I have stage 4 cancer, what can you do about that? God knew my thoughts and He gave me an answer as I read Proverbs 3:4. He said, “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not unto your own understanding, seek His will in all that you do and He will direct your paths”. It was like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I did not know how He was going to heal me, I just knew that He was in control. As I continued to seek Him, He would direct my path, give me wisdom to make the right choices, and heal me in His time and in His way. I am learning that when God allows affliction to come into our lives He draws us into a deeper walk with Himself. It is very hard for us to see His path through the fears and tears of the present. God had given me the gift of faith, so many years ago. Now He was maturing that faith through my time of trial and testing. We find God in our darkest hours, not when life is good and comfortable.

Romans 8:28 says that all things work for good to those who love the Lord and are the called according to His purpose. One good thing that has happened is that Frank and I started praying together. We are both Christians, but have worshiped in different denominations our entire married lives. I am Lutheran, Frank is Catholic. Denominations divide us but Christ and our faith in Him unite us. We are both faith filled believers. We prayed together and we knew that when two or more are gathered together in Christ’s name there shall He be also (Matthew 18:20). He was with us and He heard our prayers.

The Bible had become God’s living Word in my life. Psalm 86 reminded me that the Lord helps me and comforts me. 2Corinthians 1:1-5 tells me that when I am comforted in my trials, I will be able to help others who will go through even greater trials. As I mature in my faith, I want God to use me to pass on what He has taught me to others. This is why I have written my testimony. I still pray for physical healing but I also pray that God will use my testimony and my life to His glory.

Thank you Lord.

Love, Heidi